For months now, WC and I have planning our pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago. Now it’s just about a month until we’ll be on our way! Our backpacks are purchased, our route is mapped out, and our credentials are in hand.
But what is the Camino de Santiago? And why are we doing it? Here goes… and please forgive a long post with a sad backstory:
So, what is the Camino de Santiago?
I first learned about the Camino about 15 years ago when a friend of a friend told me about her experience. The Camino de Santiago (or the Way of St. James) dates back to the 9th century as a religious pilgrimage across Europe to the resting place of Saint James. Several different routes culminate at the cathedral in Santiago de Compostela, Spain.
The most popular routes are the Camino Frances (French Way), Camino del Norte (Northern Way), and the Camino Portugués (Portuguese Way). Though many still set out for religious purposes, there are also lots of pilgrims who do the Camino for spiritual, physical, or other reasons.
We will be walking the Portuguese Way starting from Porto and combining the coastal and central routes. We’re planning to walk the approximately 170 miles over the course of 12 days with our daily mileage ranging from about 10-16 miles.
Why are we walking the Camino de Santiago?
After hearing about the Camino de Santiago all that time ago, I had it in the back of my head as something I might want to do someday. The need to walk the Camino, though, came after my dad passed away and has been tugging at me for years. I shared a bit about my dad’s cancer journey in our recent post about WC’s stem cell donation for a leukemia patient. But, as yesterday was the fourth anniversary of my dad’s passing, I’m inspired to share about our upcoming pilgrimage.
Dad’s always took good care of himself, walking miles before sunrise and heading to work as a carpenter. Dad was a doer. You’d never find him sitting for long. He’d pace the house looking for something to do, walk to one of his siblings homes to help with something, or tinker in the garden with his precious Black-Eyed Susans. He was strong and healthy and then in 2014 all of a sudden found himself short of breath doing the same things he’d always done so easily.
After diagnosis with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML), Dad began treatment at John’s Hopkins in Baltimore, with a team of physicians and healthcare providers we were so blessed to have on our side. He underwent a bone marrow transplant from my younger brother, and slowly we started to see him return to his old self. But the reality of AML is that beating it is basically unheard of. Most patients live six or fewer years from initial diagnosis. Still, we felt fortunate to see dad return home and back to the things he loved: crabbing, bowling, building things. All was somewhat normal for a few years with dad going for regular blood work to keep an eye on things.
Then, in early 2017, shortly before WC and I’s wedding, dad started to experience some of those old symptoms. We knew before the doctors confirmed it: the leukemia had returned. This time around the doctors recommended a stem cell transplant. Again, it worked, and, again, we should have known time was still limited. But I’ll admit after he started looking well again, it was easy to pretend he was healthy and we were in the clear.
But then early 2021, still in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, another dreaded call from the doctor, and this time options had run out. There were some clinical trials he possibly would have qualified for but unfortunately not many were being offered during the pandemic. Having a remote job, I flew to Maryland and moved into my childhood room. We didn’t know how long we had, but the doctors were clear: it wasn’t long. Between the hour long car ride back and forth to Hopkins for appointments and evenings sitting on the front porch, dad and I got to have a lot of conversations over a few month period other people don’t get to have with loved ones before losing them. For that I am grateful. He got to say goodbye to those he loved. I got to say goodbye to him.
Very early morning April 15, 2021, dad passed away. WC and I spent the morning of our fourth wedding anniversary at the funeral home with my mom making arrangements. It’s bittersweet. My dad got to be there for our wedding and he was so happy that day. He considered WC a son and got to tell him before he died how much he loved him. We know he wouldn’t ever want us to be sad on our anniversary. But it’s still a day we now think of with both happy and sad memories.
This is my big takeaway though: life doesn’t pause when tragedy happens, especially here in the US. I’m sure so many of you have experienced the same thing with loss you’ve faced.
A few days after dad’s passing, we flew out of state for a wedding. From there we headed back to Denver and back to work, and life hammered on. With COVID not yet in the rear view, we delayed his celebration of life. In the days and weeks that followed his death, our lives moved on and I didn’t really ever take (or get) the time to truly grieve. Late summer 2021, we had a crab feast on Kent Island and took boats out to scattered dad’s beloved flowers. I think that was the first opportunity I really had to reflect but even that went by in a blur.
Back to the “Why?”
And that brings me back to “why” we’re walking the Camino de Santiago. My dad loved to walk and walking we will do.
12 days without social media, without work email or a computer, without daily chores and responsibilities. I will walk and think and pray and probably cry. I will listen to audiobooks and podcasts that offer some words of wisdom, not just about loss but about living life fully, as well. I hope it will help me finally process my grief.
When dad passed away, I lost a lot of faith. I’ve been stuck in an endless question of “why?” that I haven’t had the time to seek an answer to.
I don’t truly know what the journey holds. From my research, the pilgrimage is truly different for everyone, but many say it’s a transformative experience.
My hope is finding peace. Peace with dad’s death. Peace with God. Peace with myself — for my sadness, anger, and struggle still four years later. And I hope on the other side I’ll feel ready to truly move forward.
As the saying along the Camino de Santiago goes, “Bom Caminho!”
Anything else to prepare for the Camino de Santiago?
I have a few audiobooks/podcast episodes friends and family have recommended for my Camino, and they’re not all about grief! Some are just about life and making the most out of it. If you have something I should consider adding to this list, please send my way. Fiction welcomed as well — anything you think would be healing or inspirational, as ya’ll know I love to read!
- The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing – Bronnie Ware
- The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life’s Final Moments – Hadley Vlahos
- Making Space with Hoda Kotb (several episodes including Maria Shriver, Brianna West, and Arthur C. Brooks)
- Die With Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life – Bill Perkins
